Burritos, Burberry and breakdowns

The sun shines through the blinds and dances across the bed. The prancing light must mean it’s time to get moving. It’s telling me it’s time to start the day.

I’m not listening. I refuse to pay attention.

With every breath I feel the emptiness that has overwhelmed me. It stands where once I was whole, where once I felt the pure joy and excitement of every single day. It stands where I used to feel the flutter every time I saw a cloud twist into its unique shape against a big, blue sky or a wave crash or a child reach up to hold my hand or to tell me that I’m “so soft.”

I dragged myself out of bed against my own good judgment. I should’ve known better.

**

Today I stood in line for a burrito and almost lost it.

My fingers began to ache and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t eat a bite of food or I’d puke all over myself.

Everything was in slow motion. The girls in front of me wore designer boots over their cigarette jeans and carried way-too-expensive jewel-toned purses. I was staring at them and their beautifully sculpted hair and nails and killer boots and one of them had on what seemed to be a REAL! Burberry scarf and all of a sudden I thought I was going to pass out. And it wasn’t from lack of food. They were laughing and talking about life and one of them bragged about how she had a date that night and then they asked each other what they’d do for New Year’s Eve. They had plans. FUN plans. They touched each other as they laughed. I wanted to punch them both.

The sun was shining today and all I wanted was fresh air and a burrito and then … then the sun was too much and the air was too sweet and these girls were too cute and giggly.… agh. It all threw me.

I ordered the food (oh, look, they have sweet tea!) and then barely ate it. I sat and stared around the room. A group of guys sat and talked about what I can only assume was a mix of sports and work. One of them was bald and wore a Packers jersey. He controlled the conversation, I think. I wanted to punch him, too. Stupid Packers.

A mom came in hurriedly with her young son and daughter and was immediately irritated at everything. The little girl apparently didn’t choose the right drink—she picked something blue—and the mom huffed and puffed quite a bit over that. I didn’t like her at all.

I had had enough.

But then I thought I needed a cupcake or a long walk or to sit near the water somewhere. Or all the above.

And then I realized there isn’t any good water or beach anywhere nearby. And a cupcake would just make me fatter.

I threw away most of the burrito and sweet tea.

Then I thought, who needs sweet tea right now anyway? Stupid sweet tea. It’s winter for God’s sake.

 

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