while we’re on the subject of honesty

I was talking to a friend the other day and I said-out loud-something that probably would make most people, especially parents, cringe.

I admitted that if I had it to do all over again, and I knew what I know now, I don’t know if I would have the COURAGE to have kids.

OK, OK. Don’t get your panties in a twist. I don’t mean I wouldn’t want kids. In fact, I want more kids. So, really, none of this makes any sense. But what I think in my little brain when I have time to myself to think of such things is this:

I don’t think I’m brave enough to have kids.

Here’s the deal: I am MORTIFIED that I’m doing it all wrong. I freak out when I think one of them is hurt. I have thoughts NOBODY SHOULD EVER HAVE when my husband takes the kids out for ice cream and they aren’t back when I thought they should be. Not when anyone said they would be back. Just when I THINK they should be back.

I have ugly, horrific images in my mind. Twisted metal. Car in ditch. Gunman in the ice cream shop. That kind of thing.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. But I honestly think I’m not alone. Or at least I tell myself I’m not.

While I have only had one other friend admit she thinks this way too, I KNOW there are other moms out there who are questioning if they’ve got the courage it takes to do this job right.

I had a friend today tell me something that I never thought about much, but she’s so right. She said she has two jobs. Her job where she works (with me) and her job as a mom. She said she calls being a mom her full-time job and the “other full-time job” is really her part-time job.

Makes sense.

Moms NEVER, EVER turn off the mommy mode.

When I’m not with the kids, I can’t stop thinking of what they are doing.

Are they setting fire to the house?
Are they drowning in the bathtub?
Are they hitting the garage door button and then running under the moving door? (They DID this the other day! See what I mean??)

My mom would just tell me that I have issues and need to stop with all the morbid thoughts.

But really, folks. I’m not alone. I KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE. I know there are other moms who think, “What in the hell did I get myself into?”

It gets really bad when I let my mind drift to those friends and friends of friends who have actually lost children, or have children whose lives have been changed by injury. I don’t know if I could do it. I know everyone says you do what you have to do. But seriously, folks, I’m the one who was SCREAMING on the side of the road when I totaled my car when I was about 8 months prego with boy #3. I proved that day that I DO NOT DEAL WELL WITH CRISIS SITUATIONS.

And I have reason to worry! I have three boys and NEVER TOOK THE INFANT/CHILD CPR CLASS!

So anyway.
Just thought I’d come clean.
Bare it all. Let you know that there are times I wonder. If I had it all to do again. If I knew what I know now. How scary it is. How important a job it is. How absolutely numbing it is to know your child is sick or hurt and you can’t do a thing about it …

Would I do it?
Would I have the courage?
I like to think I would muster it. Somehow.
But I honestly don’t know.

Being a mom is scary. Being a mom of VERY ACTIVE BOYS is scarier.
Being caught up in my brain is scariest of all.

I overthink things, if you haven’t noticed. It’s so hard not to when all around you there are sad stories and tragedy.

I love my kids more than anything. Every mom says that. (well, at least the good ones do.) That makes me no different. I’d throw myself in front of a moving semi for them. That doesn’t make me different, either.

What makes me different is that I actually think about it … and worry about what will happen if I’m not there when the semi is coming.


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