Too far gone: A tale of cracks and cuticles

I got an invitation today that would make any mom jump up and down with excitement. I’m invited to a spa for a girl’s night of fun … and for a FREE pedicure, manicure, shoulder rub – complete with fun finger foods and drinks!!!

[Enter girlish squeal here.]

And guess what? I DID NOT immediately accept the e-vite.

Am I nuts, you ask? [Need you even ask the question?]

Well, let me explain.

I cringe a little at the idea of someone being subjected to my nasty feet and my never-touched fingernails. I am one of those rare girls who has NEVER had a manicure or pedicure. Ever. I don’t even paint my nails because I don’t want to draw attention to my hands. When my younger sister got married, my older sister said, “Aren’t you gonna do anything with your nails?”

I just looked at her as if to say, “OK, dumbass. We’ve been over this a million times. No I do not want to do anything to my pitiful nails because they’ll never look like yours even if we have the rest of my life to work on them.”

I know just writing this will lead to people LOOKING [shock!] at my hands tomorrow at work. I know my husband will laugh because he has asked me before why I never wear nail polish. My response: “Cause I’m not a slut.”

OK. I know that’s harsh. Not all sluts wear nail polish. Or is it not all women who wear nail polish are sluts? Well, if it’s fire-engine red and it’s on your fingernails, I leave that question up to you.

I’m totally kidding.

Last year during a work trip to Denver, my husband asked me if I wanted to stop in CVS to buy nail polish. I just looked at him and said I needed a Coke.

We left the store with a VERY nice pale pink (read: clear) nail polish and a Coke. He tried to make me buy RED or BRIGHT PINK. I just thought WTF?

Now, if you’ve never met me you might have this picture in mind of me in high top Converse, boy jeans, short hair and a flannel. Um, no. I haven’t worn that outfit since college!

But really, I am not boyish or anything. I’m just NOT really that girly, even when I try to be. Or at least I try to not draw attention to body parts that suck. My nails would be one of (many of) those parts. My nail beds are tiny and the nail itself has never grown in the right direction. Instead of growing in a nice, elegant, feminine curve, they kinda grow straight out, sometimes even curving UP. My sisters all get a huge kick out of this. They all think it’s a bit disturbing.


My mom says my hands look exactly like her brother’s. Um, yeah. He’s a man. He’s 6-foot-4. And did I mention he’s a dude???

So that’s my nails. Not pretty. Not sure what a nail tech would even do but stare at them and consider them a lost cause. How awful for me and her (or him).

And my feet? Well, let’s just say my husband cringes when he feels my feet literally scrape against him accidentally in the middle of the night. They are like sandpaper. I admit there are cracks.

‘Nuff said there.

I tentatively responded “yes!” to the e-vite earlier today when I found out I couldn’t sit around and contemplate the ordeal any longer. Turns out they’ll only take the first X-amount of people who respond. And I REALLY, REALLY want to go.

So I’ll head to the spa in a couple weeks, embarrassed as all hell.

I’m SUPER excited about it, which is strange. I think I’ve got it all figured out. Till then, I’ll try push back my cuticles (WHERE ARE MY CUTICLES?) and rub Crisco on my feet every night before bed and sleep with socks on to keep the moisture in.

Sound nasty? Yeah. I know. I am that nasty.

But just to reiterate: IAMTOTALLYTHRILLEDABOUTTHIS. Do not think I’m not. I’m just, well, DYING INSIDE to know someone has to see how little I’ve taken care of myself and reverse, oh, about 35 years of girly neglect.

Think that’s lame? I get my hair cut and highlighted about ONCE A YEAR as a Mother’s Day gift to myself. And this year … I didn’t go.

But that’s a whole other story …


3 thoughts on “Too far gone: A tale of cracks and cuticles

  1. I like having nice nails and such but I’m with you … I HATE the time suck involved — I’m a busy girl! — and also I usually DON’T know the manicurist well enough to want to spend that much time with them. So I do my own nails. Same principle applies to eyebrow grooming … unless I get to be good friends with a threader such that I’d want to hang out with that person long enough for them to do my eyebrows, I’ll probably keep handling that myself.

  2. OK, I have never noticed your nails.
    Me and my slutty-red nails (which I will do just for you), will be looking at them tomorrow.

    I think you will really like the mani/pedi. Don’t fret about your feet, I can pretty much promise, they have seen much worse then your feet (which I’m sure aren’t as bad as you think).

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