Sometimes I wonder why I can’t stop wondering.
Why am I not just happy with things the way they are?
Why do I feel the need to constantly second-guess everything?
Is this normal? Do other women–especially moms–do this to themselves?
Cause really, folks, let’s face it. I do this all to myself.
I knew I wanted to be a “journalist” when I was in 8th grade. And not until I became a “journalist” did I wonder if I should’ve been something else.
Not until I became an editor did I wonder if I should’ve been a writer.
Not until I became a designer did I wonder if I should have gone into magazines.
Not until I went into magazines did I wonder if I should’ve stayed my course and moved up the management ladder in newspapers. (I do know the answer to that one now).
And not until I became a writer did I wonder if I should’ve stayed an editor.
And, mixed into all this confusion is the fact that I still struggle with whether I should’ve been a photographer.
I also sometimes think I’ll chuck it all and go back to school to major in children’s lit.
And there’s always been that dream to write and publish a children’s book and open my own bookstore (at least then I’d know at least one store would carry my book!)
And then, when I think about it, it all makes sense. In a way, I’ve done all of this. I’ve just never done any of it GREAT. I guess I’ll settle for mediocrity. Or whatever you want to call it. I have always been toughest on myself. I will never change. I don’t like being in the middle of the pack, and yet, it has always been so hard for me to move out front.
What defines me? Who am I?
Woman. Mom. Wife. Sister. Daughter. Granddaughter. Friend. Cousin. Aunt. Yankee. Pittsburgher. Steeler fan. Dreamer. Writer. Editor. Thinker. Ideas girl. Designer. Photographer. Traveler. Reader. Junk-food eater. Takeout addict. Coke addict (not that kind!). Ocean lover. Romantic.
With that said … I guess wouldn’t change much. I’m happy with all my hats. I guess I just want to figure out which one I wear best.