Welcome to Loserville

Here’s a thought. It’s not a good idea to say openly at a table full of adults that you don’t know how to help your second-grader with his math homework.

It’s a bit shocking.

But I did it. And I’m regretting it. And I can’t get the look on my friend’s face out of my head.

JAW

ON

THE

FLOOR.

She was seriously staring at me with her mouth wide open. WIDE OPEN. She was stunned. She couldn’t hide it. Right in the middle of our nice dinner out … 8 of us … at a nice restaurant.

I tried to backtrack. It didn’t work.

Now I’m known as the loser girl who can’t do second-grade math.

My point was this: They’ve gone and changed math.

THEY CHANGED MATH. I swear! They have! I didn’t get it the first time around (obviously), and now they’ve gone and changed it.

When I did addition and subtraction, we did something I remember as “carrying the one” and “borrowing.” Well … they don’t do that anymore. Well, they do. They just don’t call it that. They call it “regrouping.”

Aha.

And then my son tells me he needs to study his “math facts.” What the hell are math facts? THIS ONE STILL CONFUSES ME. To me, it’s simply addition. To him and his teacher, it’s math facts. But then, on the same page that reads MATH FACTS at the top, there’s something about algebra. Yes. ALGEBRA.

No wonder I’m confused.

5+_____=10

Hmm. Seems like 5 to me.

Simple addition, right?

RIGHT?

THEN WHY’S it called MATH FACTS?

And why’s the word ALGEBRA attached to this worksheet?

Just seeing that word still makes me break out in a cold sweat, obviously.

Dad needs to step in. How lame is that? I AM LAME!

My friends think I’m lame!

I swear I know the answer. It’s 5, dammit! IT’S FIVE!

WHY’S IT GOTTA BE CALLED ALGEBRA OR MATH FACTS? JUST TO THROW ME? JUST TO MAKE ME LOOK STOOOPID IN FRONT OF MY KIDS?

Well. It worked. I’m in Loserville.

MATH MORON LOSER HELL.

My face is on the Welcome sign. Agh.

For the record, I knew the answer. I KNEW IT. I’m so proud of myself…

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